So…
Adam and I “broke up” just over a month ago. We were dating, seeing each other, whatever. I was starting to fall in love with him, and he wasn’t feeling the same way. So he told me. We spent about a week apart, then he called & asked about seeing Star Wars. We went to Star Wars with Joe, and then started hanging out again pretty regularly.
Then it got confusing. Adam’s a touchy-feely guy, as I understand it he’s this way with nearly everyone. But it’s confusing with someone who wants a romantic future. He’d also say things like “you’re my Paulie1 I don’t want to share you” and talk about us moving around and eventually to New York City. I was pretty in love with Adam, and hearing these things made me feel that maybe there was some kind of future between us. This pissed Adam off. He just wants to be a close friend; he’s said (a few times, sorry Adam) that he’s not falling in love with me.
Saturday began a slow catharsis.
We hung out last Saturday—enduring torrential rain, browsing Best Buy, and went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith. We spent about an hour before the movie talking about careers, life, things like that. He really gave me some things to think about—and he’s got it together for someone his age. Way more together than when I was 21. Shit… way more than I am now. That’s what I appreciate about my friends—their willingness to listen and talk through things with me. What really made me feel better about the situation was when he said “it’s not about what you look like, it’s more about how you’re not stable” and how he wants a boyfriend where they can have separate lives, pay for their own stuff, etc. I’ll admit that I’m not stable, I don’t have things figured out for my life. As much as I want a boyfriend, I do realize that it’s not the best time. I want out of Grand Rapids. More on that later. After the movie we decided to go to Diversions, but after driving out there I’d changed my mind.
I was pretty vulnerable after all that talk about the future. I’d spent the past month (as you can tell) in a funk with the realization that I’m not going to be able to stay in my apartment and I (desperately) want to leave Grand Rapids. And the slow realization that Adam will never be my boyfriend tacked on even more crudiness.
So I drove back to Adam’s. I desperately wanted/needed to be held. It always makes me feel better no matter what. Maybe I didn’t get enough affection as a child, but I’m always starved for it. One of the reasons why I liked Adam so much—he likes to cuddle. But that night Adam was pretty bent on not giving me that. So I sat through an hour’s worth of I Dream of Jeannie wanting nothing but to cuddle like we had before. I was miserable. It was late and I knew I should go home and be miserable by myself. I told him I loved him2 and walked out to my car.
I got as far as the Burger King at East Paris & 29th street. Then I cried. I cried harder than I have since my mother died. I cried for the loss of Adam, for the loss of my apartment, for all the loss I’ve endured over the past few years that’s caused me to lose my ambition and my will to be the person I want to be, to live my dreams.
Then I went home and went to bed.
I’ve spent every day since then trying to occupy myself and distract myself from my depression. Every day except today.
Today was a good day. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by my uncertain future, I feel now like I can embrace that uncertainty and turn it into possibility. I think I feel so lost here because I’ve realized that this isn’t where I’m supposed to be. So I’ve decided once again to move. I’m not entirely sure where, but I’ve realized that the nagging problem with every plan that involved staying in Grand Rapids is the fact that it will not change my life. And I’m thirsty for a new direction in my life. I’ve worked for the same company for 10 years. I’ve taken classes on and off at the same university for 6 years. The years are wearing thin. It’s time to spend some years away from the city of my birth—two in Kalamazoo was not enough.
It’s time for me to move. To move on from Adam, to move on from my life here (probably from Michigan) and to make my life how I want it to be somewhere else. There’s other universities, there’s other jobs, there’s other places to live and I want to see them.
As for Adam, I could use his help with some things and his friendship but I won’t rely on it—it’s his to give at this point. I’ll always wonder what might’ve happened between us, but I have realized that it’s not the time for “us”. It takes two people to want a relationship and there’s no sense in me wallowing away my days wishing for more.
Wow it’s cool that I just said that. If I get down again, someone remind me to reread this. And kick me in the face, maybe.
Now for the plan. I’ve applied for some jobs out of state. I don’t know if I’ll get one of them, and I don’t really expect it, but it’s a start. I think I may end up in Kalamazoo for another 6 months or a year while I try and get some business skills. I think I’ll end up squatting at my grandparents’ for a few months while I try and save some cash.
I don’t know if Adam still wants to be my friend. He hasn’t really talked to me since Saturday so if he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want to be my friend I at least want some stuff I left over there back, obviously. I’ll be sad again for a few days that he’s decided not to be my friend. The pessimistic voice in my head says: People have been walking out on me since I was born, so why would that change now. The optimistic voice says I have other people who I call my friend who’d never do something like that to me.
I feel remarkably better than I have in the past few months. And I quit smoking!
Footnotes:
1. I let very few people call me anything other than Paul. They are only ever people who I know care about me. Josh is allowed to call me Pavel or Pasha, Dino may call me Paulie, and Brad calls me either Paulie or “Flavius” (no idea where that came from) and on occasion I’ll let my boss call me Paulie, only because it means I’m in good. Other than that, no one is ever allowed. I may need to revoke Adam’s privileges.
2. I do not say “I love you” to anyone unless I mean it. I don’t throw it around like some people do. I never apply it to anything other than a person, except
Google, because I love Google and I’m pretty sure I love everyone who’s a part of Google. But I’ll never say I love Pepsi! or I love the Tigers!, etc.
