He talked to me!!
(feels like I’m in high school, getting all excited and happy…)
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won’t and it won’t because it can’t
Because it just can’t
It just can’t
It’s not supposed toJohn Mayer :: Heavier Things :: Clarity
So I’m real depressed.
1.) I have tried to make some friends and nothing’s really worked out. I really need people and I don’t have them, not even someone to go hang at the coffee shop and study with or talk with. “I wanna fly, never come down / And live my life / And have friends around”
2.) Being sick is kicking my ass, so school is kicking my ass. Hard.
3.) I got in trouble for calling in sick cuz my doctor’s note didn’t say not to work. My real boss sort of chewed me out, but he’s not very good at it, so I just end up being sorry that it wasn’t handled as responsibly as it should’ve been. The manager at 50—the store where I was supposed to work—did not, however, bitch the shit out of me. So I really owe him one. Guess he has me by the balls.
About school… I had a chat with Marty about it and he doesn’t see the worth in it; I guess coming from someone without a college degree who is very successful it makes sense that he’d say that. I do enjoy school but it’s only a means to an end; and I’m not even really damned sure what that end is gonna be. I can’t even say I want to go find my dream job because I don’t know what that is. Marty asked me what I want to do, and I’m not sure. I know there are a few things I want to do: be a (successful) playwright, see my work on stage(“success”), feel like I’ve “made a difference”, and find someone who that I can fall in love with who’ll fall in love with me.
It’s that last part that’s really getting to me. I think I might be getting ready for something again. I don’t want it to be far away; I don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone over the phone or the internet. But I know I need to stop and turn away and look real hard at things before I start anything because if I don’t it’ll only turn out wrong. And I think I’m just not going to actively look. I want to be found.
Or at least I guess so.
It’s not to escape.
It’s to defeat the loneliness…
You. You haven’t called me. You haven’t emailed me. You dissapeared once before, so maybe that’s just what you do. I don’t know what you do; I’ve just met you. For some reason, I’m fascinated with you. I think about you, the way you live your life. The pictures you take. The friends you have. The things you think about. The way you smile. How many times a day do you smile? Do you have reasons to smile? I hope you do. I hope the reason why you’ve haven’t been in touch is because your life is so full you just haven’t had the chance. But I’m here, and I’ll wait, because I think I should. I’d like to think maybe I could be important to you; maybe you need me. Maybe you want me in your life.
Maybe you don’t. Only time will tell. Until then I’ll continue to think about you here and there throughout the day. Or you’re not interested, and you lied to me. You seemed more geniune than that.
***
In other news, I got sick (again, long story I don’t feel like typing here) so I called in to work. Robert hung up on me. Sorry, Robert, but I was in Monday and could barely stay standing. Do you want me to come in anyway, risk spreading my illness, and end up in a horizonal position on the floor? Lot of good that would’ve done, eh? Oh and Steve laughed when I called and he passed the call onto Robert. I can tell at that store they are not concerned about me at all when I get laughed at for being ill.
Fuck you people. Fuck you and the way you do not appreciate me and the things I know how to do and the fact that every day I come in and work for you I bust my ass to keep you afloat. Fuck you for not caring or respecting that fact that I was in fact sick. Fuck you for supposedly being “compassionate providers of health care” when you can’t even be compassionate to your own coworkers. Fuck you for being duplicitous and self-centered.
Fuck.
You.
People.
What you’re looking for isn’t here, it isn’t out there. It isn’t anywhere but inside of you, clawing at you from the inside, yearning to get out.
***
I’ve got one week to complete a massive pile of homework. I’m absolutely confident I can do it. It doesn’t help so much that I must do it, but still that raw confidence is necessary. The one thing that’s been wearing on me is what happened Tuesday, the person I met Tuesday, and how eager I am to find someone who’ll love me. I know I’m a pain in the ass. I know I’m very good at screwing things up. I can be brash, inconsiderate, thoughtless, and indecisive. I can also be loving, honest, and committed. I had a friend a few years ago who pointed out how much of a Gemini I am… it’s enjoyable most of the time. Or rather I’ve become accustomed to it. Or rather… I’m not sure.
I want more friends. I want to not want so badly the things that distract me from my big goals. I want, also, to not forget the small things that make my life meaningful. I doubt more each day (and I probably oughtn’t) that there’s “someone” out there. I think of Amory Blaine in Fitzgerald’s novel This Side of Paradise who has all these romantic notions and in the end they fail him. I think of the Buddha who reminds us to give up our notions in order to see clearly.
My father called me today. He wants me to join him and his girlfriend and my brother for Thanksgiving. I have my reservations. That the father problem continues to be an issue troubles me; that I’m not sure what to do or say to set things right (or at least make things settled) is equally as troubling. Those issues, too, I suppose I should let go of and begin anew. I also know you can only dole out so many chances for someone to show you that they’ve changed when really they haven’t.
I’ve neglected the rest of my family, as well… and I feel rather awful about it. I’d like to say there’s been no time, but I know it’s really that I’m horrible at making time lately. I majorly pissed off my aunt before the election, and while I’m not rather proud of hurting her feelings I am proud to have stuck to my principles. I’m pretty sure it will just be so much more water under so many more bridges as it won’t matter.
I may see the guy from Tuesday today at work. I’m not sure of what I’ll say if I say anything. There’s a hundred things I want to say but only few of them really make sense. What I’d really like to know is if there’s any chance we might be friends, what I’d really like to happen of course would be something more. I don’t think our separate paths are crossing at the right time for that, however.
I’m almost through with looking and I haven’t even really begun! I still haven’t made up my mind if I even want to date people; half the time I feel so terribly lonely and have the time I’m terribly comfortable with my solitude.
That’s all for right now. I’ve got to work at 9am, so I must steal a few stress-free moments alone while I can.
It is my pleasure to announce
Holy Crap.
So I’m not really a big huge video game person, I do enjoy the escape from reality. Joe really got me into the Metal Gear franchise this summer, and today we picked up Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.
This is seriously the best video game I’ve ever played. Five hours into it and it’s absolutely awesome so far. I need to do some more reading for class and grab some sleep, so hopefully I can put the controller down and pick up my text book.
The date Tuesday went well, I think. We’ll see what happens. I think he would be more of a friend than anything, he’s just coming out and has said he’s not sure what he wants. I’m not sure what I want either, really, just something meaningful. It’d be great if he would call me. I may call him tomorrow, and if he doesn’t call me back I guess I’ll know. He’s someone I would like to get to know, but if he doesn’t feel that way about me then… that’ll suck. Profoundly. I’m never comfortable with people not liking me right off the bat, and I never get to find out why.
And so it goes…
This article from The Stranger epitomizes everything I’ve been wanting to say for the past 13 days.
“So how do we live and what are we for? Look around you, urbanite, at the multiplicity of cultures, ethnicities, and tribes that are smashed together in every urban center: We’re for that. We’re for pluralism of thought, race, and identity. We’re for a freedom of religion that includes the freedom from religion–not as some crazy aberration, but as an equally valid approach to life. We are for the right to choose one’s own sexual and recreational behavior, to control one’s own body and what one puts inside it. We are for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The people who just elected George W. Bush to a second term are frankly against every single idea outlined above.”
WTF? I thought making fun of gay people went out in Junior High…
My self esteem is so lowered now.
Ish.
That’s how I feel right now. The semester is done-ish. My homework is done-ish.
I feel excited-ish. Still a little aprehensive-ish.
It’s the fourth month in GR and things are going sort of well. There was two weeks there when I had the flu-ish and got very little work done. I got let down by Marc and let down William and work all in the same weekend. I think I let Joe down, too, as we didn’t do anything for Halloween. I know it’s his favorite holiday but he was depressed over a boy and drank himself sick before he even got to the bar. I lovingly cleaned up his puke and fed him zantac.
I have yet to really let myself down.
I managed to drag myself to the voting booth to make my voice heard, and then I worked the entire day with MoveOnPAC which is chronicled in an audio update. It’s probably the only reason I feel alright about the outcome of the election; I really feel like I participated in doing more than just voting, it really stroked my “higher purpose” need.
Now I’m in the process of catching up. I have a 4(ish) page paper due Monday on Dos Passos, a 10(ish) page research paper due Monday after Thanksgiving, a 3(ish) page paper due the end of that week, and then another 7(ish) page paper due the beginning of December. Spaced out neatly, but still going to kick my ass if I don’t get crackin’ and down in it.
Halo 2 came out. I haven’t had a chance to care.
Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater is delayed. Again, no chance to care. Joe is playing Silent Hill 4 and anxiously awaiting the NintendoDS, which I really don’t care about at all.
Wow I’m apathetic. Or maybe ambivalent. That’s it. I haven’t decided if I should care.
William. Hmm. I’m sorry, William.
I thought about it a lot and there are things I haven’t yet found the courage to say because I’m not sure I really want to say them.
But bikini briefs? whoa. wtf? I dunno how anyone decided that was an acceptable form of undergarment.
I suppose it’s imprudent to decide if someone is right for you based on their underwear.
Related: I might have a date on Monday night. I’ve been waiting for a date with him since I first moved back to Grand Rapids. Here’s hoping he’s not a jerk.
Related: The rinky-dinky Yahoo! Personals “Personality & Love Style” report says this:
Finding your love is like finding the other part of yourself that makes you complete.For you, falling in love is like being reunited with the other part of yourself that finally gives meaning to everything in your life. This “soul mate” completes you. You empower each other to be the best you can be. You get each other’s jokes and love the same books and movies. You talk until you go hoarse. You enjoy an intimacy that most people can’t even imagine…the downside of the Destined love style is that you typically have to search for years and years (and go on lots of bad dates) to find this type of love….Your approach to love can change over time. You may go through periods when you need a more casual love style, especially after a painful breakup with a potential soul mate. For now, the common features of your love “style” include:
You’re looking for a very close, intimate relationship. You want to share the most important aspects of your life with him and not feel like you have to hold things back. The past is the past, but you should be open and honest about your life now. If you love him, you’ll want to know about his hopes and dreams and try to help make them come true.
You’re most likely to fall in love with a man who’s independent by nature. He won’t expect to merge his life with yours. Keeping separate friends, for example, will just give you more to talk about when you’re together.
Like the song says, “If you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss.” You want passionate kisses and won’t settle for anything less. The two of you will probably be instantly attracted to each other. Sexual chemistry isn’t everything, but it’s a great way to connect body and soul with your partner.
True love requires total commitment. Love can grow only in the safety and security that monogamous commitment provides. Relatively early in dating, both partners should know and talk openly about whether the relationship has lasting potential.
Many Idealists like you long for the type of spiritual connection that a Destined love style promises. Although lots of people talk about wanting to find their Destined love, you actually have the capacity to connect with a man in this way. For you, the mental, emotional, and spiritual connection is as (if not more) important as the physical connection.
For once a stupid quiz thing that’s actually right. This is frightening, but true.
Not related: I have to work soon. I should sleep.
Joe says on his hiplog:
“What is art? The meaning? Why it was painted? Who made it? No its the enjoyment. Art for a videogame is as good as Picaso, if its enjoyed as much. Helps if it has talient[sic] as well.”
Doesn’t talent imply a particular creator thereby lending weight to the individual artist? I’m not hung up on name dropping, just stating there’s a reason why we say someone “makes a name for himself” is all. No, reputation doesn’t make something art. It certainly helps to sell it, however.
We were arguing about the cover art of one of his Castlevania games. I think it’s kitschy, he thinks it’s Art.
What is Art, then? Is it in fact something that merely entertains us and we enjoy? Absolutely not. Art is created to say something, to have meaning. Not to sell videogames. The enjoyment of Art comes from its appreciation and evaluation. Furthermore, as an artist, I argue that art must also inspire more art, thus leading to homage and allusion. This is one of the factors we use when judging the quality of Art. This helps us distinguish from “art” and Art.
Things that meet these points I would call “quality Art”. That’s big-A-art as opposed to little-a-art: commercial art or everyday industrial design.
Can “art” be Art? Sure. There’s lots of crossover. Just not videogame packaging.
Am I biased? As all hell.
Kerry is an immoral man of the World, and I thank God that Bush, a man of clear moral integrity who is out to defeat Satan regardless of the forces that stand in his way, has been blessed with victory. He didn’t win the election–God chose him as the leader of this nation. Link
So… yeah… I have MoveOn pictures to post, but apparently all the work I did Tuesday is irrellevant. I collapsed Tuesday night and slept for 12 hours, then fell asleep Wednesday in the library.
Dear America,
Since you’ve been unable to understand this during the past four years, I shall make if perfectly clear.
This kind is the kind of Bush you fuck:
This kind of Bush FUCKS YOU!
Get Your Democracy On!
“Politics is not about power. Politics is not about money. Politics is not about winning for the sake of winning. Politics is about the improvement of people’s lives. It’s about advancing the cause of peace and justice in our country and the world. Politcs is about doing well for the people.” —Paul Wellstone
Seems like no matter how nice I am to people, not matter how much I come to care about certain friends, some of them end up walking all over me anyway.
