ad astra!

The Josh Quote of the day:

“Well all the crumbs are gone but it still smells like Pringles.”

We are going to Traverse City for the weekend since Josh is homesick & I have a car.

Uuuuuuggghhhh…… long day at work. West Michigan Nastiness is back in full swing. It rained yesterday and today. I think it’s responsible for my downtrodden mood, but it could just be that my life sucks. I’ve decided I should be back in school by next August. Not sure where, though. I could go back to GVSU but I hate Grand Rapids. I’ll find the answer somewhere.

Paul’s New York Trip

Thursday: Got up really really early (5am) and Brad drove me to the airport. Got bumped to Fist Class (or “Spirit Plus”) on the flight to NYC. Landed around 9am, took a cab to 200 Madison (where Dino works) and met him there for like five minutes. That there was an event nearly ten years in the making. He kept my bag & I was free to explore the city. Just walked around felt very comfortable; like I belonged there. First stop was the Empire State Building where I did the New York Sky Ride. It was tortuously lame as my guidebook suggested but I bought a $45 CityPass so it was included. I didn’t have time to use the rest of the options in the ticket, but I can if I go back. After the ESB I walked down to the Flatiron building, took a picture and walked up Broadway through the Theatre District, then up 6th Ave to Bryant Park. Then it was lunch time and Dino treated me to Korean. After lunch I walked back 6th to Carnegie Hall, where I ate a banana and headed down Broadway to Times Square. Spent a few hours around that area, bought tickets to Cat On A Hot Tin Roof with Ashley Judd and Ned Beaty. Then I went to the Virgin Megastore. After that I walked back to 200 Madison and waited for Dino to get out of work. We went back to his place and I attempted to help him put up shelving in his room and rested after all that damned walking. We went to Republic at Union Square for dinner with Dino’s friend Bill, then hit the other Virgin Megastore, then went back home and had a great talk for a few hours.

Friday: Got up at around 8:30, left by 10am and had lunch at Colonial Cafe at Houston & Elizabeth. Walked down to Chinatown looking for the Buddhist Temple. Couldn’t find it, so I kept going with the intention of finding the subway to the Statue Of Liberty but I ended up wandering all the way down from Chinatown through Tribeca to the World Trade Center site and then down Broadway to Battery Park. Took the ferry to SoL and back, wandered back up Broadway, stopped at Borders and made out some post cards, then wandered over to the Brooklyn Bridge and finally up Bowery to Houston where I met Dino on the street. After that I was exhausted. We ended up watching I Love the 80s on VH1 and making dinner. His roommate Brian’s friends came over for awhile then went out to Niagra. We went to two clubs with Bill and then to Niagra. Went home and a few minutes after I’d fallen asleep Brian and his posse came in. So I went and slept in Dino’s bed. Beat the hell out of that futon.

Saturday: Dino and I both slept late but we made it to The Music Box theatre for the show on time. It was absolutely fantastic. I reccomend it to anyone who’s going to New York. Ashley Judd was spectacular, as was Margo Martindale (she also played Mrs. Latch in The Hours). Her performance alongside Ned Beatty (remember him from Roseanne? He played Roseanne’s father) was both warm and tender and heartbreaking. Jason Patric was hot as well. All in all, it was a marvellous piece of theatre. Definately deserves a few Tonys. After the show we went and got ice cream from some place at Times Square that I don’t remember the name of but it was good. They were playing A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, which neither of us had heard in years. I think I’ll always remember standing in line with Dino while that song was playing. It was just kinda cool. And it felt like I’d done that much walking. Then we got took the subway back up to Soho looking for food. We settled on pizza and it was great… then we went back to Dino’s place and watched the Yankees suck for awhile, went into his room for awhile and listened to some music. We both ended up taking power naps, then we went out to Teany, Moby’s tea shop a few blocks from Dino’s place. After that we went up on the roof and talked for about six hours.

Sunday: Slept late. Had chocolate chip pancakes courtesy of Brian with Nutella. Then I showered and caught my flight home, saying goodbye to Dino and NYC in the airport. Brad picked me up around 6:30pm. We went to Ashley’s Pub in Ann Arbor and I attempted to get sauced but ended up just feeling tired. That’s it. The next day I drove to work in Battle Creek.

Ok. So I didn’t upload any pictures like I promised, mostly because the power cord to Dino’s laptop is broken (frayed) and we didn’t have time to fix it. I would’ve had about 20 minutes to upload anything anyway, so instead we took a well-earned nap. I just got home from work an hour ago & hung with Josh and his new BF (?) Dan. There’s so much to tell.. but for now here’s the highlight reel… (8 pictures out of 150)

View of Manhattan skyline from the Empire State Building.	A view of Times Square.
Dino puts up a shelf in his room.	Overlooking Ground Zero from the World Financial Center.
September 11 Memorial in Battery Park.	Liberty’s Bitch.
Dino in black and white.	Paul and Dino.

I miss Dino, but I knew I would. I miss him like an old friend.
Brad’s mom told me not to move to NYC. Whatever. Everyone else has suggested I do so only if I want to. Why not do what I want?

I didn’t fall in love with Dino, per se. We get along real well, but he’s too far away and I didn’t feel that sort of attraction, really. It could be there, but we didn’t let it happen. Dino’s in love with Charlie. I’m urging him to fly to Florida to visit him. Then Charlie will be in New York in December and they can date, which is really what he needs to do. Right now I want to find someone to have fun with while I do things for myself that I need to do. Dino’s not that sort of person for me. He’s the kind of person I’d marry�but I’m not ready to get married yet. He is an awesome person and a wonderful friend and I’m happy with just that. He is on my mind, but it’s not the day-dreamy sort of way, it’s mostly because we had such a stupendously amazing time together. Which is good. Wednesday I’m going to ask out this one boy at work. Yummy. Now I’ve got to unpack and shit….. I’ll post more tomorrow.

Day ten. Subject shows marked agitation. Task performance, however, is not noticably impaired. That’s right… this is my tenth day of work in a row. Thankfully it’s also my last until Monday. Tonight I’m going to Ann Arbor to stay by Brad & then he’s bringing me to the airport. Touchdown at LaGuardia is less than 22hrs away!

Now I have to go clean out my car so Brad can borrow it while I’m in New York City. Here I come!

Horoscope for Tuesday 21 October:
“Your chance to break out of the routine and make a more permanent life upgrade is dangling in front of you. Hesitation causes setbacks.”

I will be in New York City on Thursday morning! I plan to upload some pictures and stuff that night if I’m not too busy. Check back here.

Had a good day at work… I was at Store #16 W Columbia Ave (Battle Creek) and just dealt with their order all day. Delightfully relaxing Monday after the hell that was Sunday.

“Seriously, I used the horses to get laid in high school.”

Sunday 21:49. Josh chooses the wrong sequence of words with horrifyingly equine consequences.

So… Thursday night Josh & I went up to Grand Rapids to see Richard Janaro’s Virginia Woolf, The Last Day: A Portrait written for and performed (wonderfully) by Karen Libman. It was absolutely spectacular. I’m not a critic, so I won’t write a review, but it’s masterpiece-quality work. Then we went to Friday’s with Milt and Gary and Travis and Richard. Karen even showed up. Milt proceeded to tell everyone that I’m “going to New York to see about moving there to be a playwright”. I dunno where he got that from, but it sounds like a damned good idea. Not that it hasn’t been what I’ve wanted to do since high school…
Then Josh and I went out to Diversion’s and I got blitzed.

Josh made me read this:

”Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, ‘I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’
The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!’
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’ And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.’
But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.”

And then Josh said “That’s why you’re going to New York.” He meant, of course, why I’m supposed to move there.
Anybody want to give me a job? Place to stay? I’m game.

Tonight I watched Igby Goes Down. In fact, the DVD is still playing so… you guessed it… the music to the menu is looping… very, um, different film. I enjoyed it immensely. And it’s set in NYC. Now I’ve got to go to bed as I have to work in Three Rivers 9:45am�6pm.

Dino, if you are reading this, please call me and let me know you didn’t die in the ferry crash.

There was a post here but I got rid of it & put the contents of it in today’s post.

First off, the most annoying thing in the world are DVDs that loop the music in the main menu. Unfortunately, every DVD does this. While I realize I don’t quite understand the complicated workings of DVD video, I just wanted to complain a bit. Secondly, I’m pretty sure that my “get over yourself” comment from a few posts ago hurt Josh’s feelings. I’m sorry for that. I just don’t abide these elitist ideas that one can prove one is better than someone else. I don’t believe that. In the end we’re all worm food. There will always be someone smarter. Cuter. Younger. Smoother. There’s always someone stupider and uglier, too, so where does that leave us? And who the fuck is to say who’s better and who’s worse? I’ve seen people with lots of letters behind their names do some (what I’d consider) rather asinine things that I know better than to do. Yet they’ve proved that they’re better because of some diploma they have framed on a wall? Am I better than the people who sweep the floors because I wear a tie and make more money? Without them the floors would be dirty. I don’t even own a broom.

But I am sorry, Josh, for hurting your feelings. But I will never believe you are better than everyone else. Better than me? Probably. Younger? Sure. Smarter. Cuter. Smoother. Yup. Nothing is really “better” or “worse”. Mostly things are just different. And yet they’re all the same…

Now I shall go ahead and admit that I’m down. I watched National Lampoon’s Van Wilder tonight to cheer myself up. It worked for awhile. It’s damned funny. But alas, the opiate has worn off. I’m down for some reason. Maybe the cold weather and the lack of regular sunshine has unfavorably altered my brain chemistry. I mean, I’m going to NYC in 7 days so I should be upbeat, looking forward to my big adventure in the Big Apple, right? I am. Sometimes. It’s close enough now that I’ve got to figure out what I’m going to do after I get back. That’s been the problem lately. I have, of course, been tossing around in my head the idea of actually moving there, but I’m not sure how possible that would be. Job and housing needed. Maybe I should make a r�sum�. What sucks is that I have a decent job here. What sucks more is that it’s not what I want to do. What sucks most of all is that I don’t know what it is I want to do. It just feels like it’s time to do something else. And I hate Kalamazoo. Wait. Loathe is a better word.

I’ll probably have to move again in November when Jay comes back. I will probably get a one-bedroom or a studio somewhere. Probably off Gull Road. I’m afraid to live alone. Not just because I never have before, but because of my need for people. I’m afraid to end up in a corner somewhere, curled into the fetal position, laying in a pool of my own bodily fluid. While I know I won’t let that happen physically, it could mentally. Living here with Josh has been one of the best times of my life. I’m afraid to be alone because if I am then I will be alone. I suppose I could just hang out here. But eventually I’ll have to go “home” and then I’ll be entirely by myself. Granted, I enjoy time by myself, but I really need other people around.

Dino hasn’t called yet. I called him & left a voicemail. {Funny side note�I watched About Schmidt last night and there’s a scene in it where Jack Nicholson uses a payphone and gets his daughter’s voicemail… it’s the same system as Dino’s. I had to laugh.} I hope he’s doing ok. I hope things are working out between him and Charlie. As much as they can given that Dino lives in NYC and Charlie lives in Florida. Such a precarious thing, to be in love. Complicated more so by distance.

Now. Let’s get one thing straight (so to speak). I love Dino. I do. As much as anyone could love someone they’ve never met. We’ve talked for nearly ten years. He even put up with me when I called him after I’d had too much to drink. I would’ve hung up on myself. (In fact, I know if it ever were to happen by some fluke in the space-time continuim that I were to call myself while I was drinking, the sober one of us would undoubtably hang up) I’m still sort of embarrased by that. But the fact is I had to consider what might happen. Not to mention I was asked numerous times by people if I had any “plans” with Dino. That’s “plans” in the what-to-do-after-you-go-to-bed sort of way. No. I actually hadn’t even considered it until it was brought up. I mean, how can one fathom that? It would almost be like incest. If course I’m skirting (again, so to speak) the issue here. What really scares me is the idea that I might, in the time we spend together, begin to feel differently. That scares me. Mostly because I doubt it would be reciprocated. I just doubt that. I doubt if anyone has ever really been in love with me. As always, the default is not only to expect nothing but to hope for nothing. So that when I in fact get nothing I am not dissapointed. Someone fall in love with me? Yes, isn’t it pretty to think so? That, and I really don’t want to deal with that sort of thing. I want to go, see the city, meet my friend, and not screw anything up so I can have his friendship for another ten years or more. Screw love. It only fucks everything up. I should’ve been Vulcan.

Of course part of me wants to fly away to New York City, fall impossibly in love, then be faced with the decision to move there or not.

At this point, my therapist puts down her pen and says “Well that would seal it for you, wouldn’t it. You’d have to do something. Maybe you see it as a way out of your current situation.”

Maybe. Maybe not. Granted, when I move, I wll be running away from this city. I will be running away to a new life. But running from what? I’ll be running from ghosts, for one. I’ve spent so much time here, first with Carson and then with Todd that it’s haunting at times to drive the streets. There are too many memories here. I want to go somewhere different and start making new ones. That’s pretty much how I felt when I left Grand Rapids. I’m done with that city for awhile. I also run from my past failures, certainly. I am not dissapointed in myself for my failures; I see them as learning experiences. I don’t feel shame. It’s just time for this chapter to end. Time for the second act. Insert some other “moving on” clich� here as well. It boils down to what I want. Of that I am uncertain. It’s pretty to think about falling in love. It is also frightening, as it’s utterly impractical and improbable that any sort of thing will happen. I am more likely to return heartbroken. I rather expect to. Brace yourselves. We might need lots of booze.

I realized the other night that I’ve simply done the easiest thing. I went to Grand Valley because it was easy. I’ve stayed working at Meijer all these years because it’s easy. I only moved out of my mom’s house when I did because it was easy. I moved in here with Josh because it was easy. I stayed with Todd, even though I was grotesquely unsatisfied because it was easier than breaking up. I had to beat myself up over this. I still am. My one concession is that I’ve done these easy and safe things because other things have been hard. My depression of a few years ago was hard to get out of. Taking care of my mother when she was ill and then watching her die was hard. So in a way I’ve compensated by making the less emotional things easier.

It’s time I started to struggle. For my art, perhaps. Or at least for the life I want. This comfort that I have now is maddening. I’m sure in a few years I will look back and see how good I have it now�but hopefully from that vantage point I’ll be much more satisfied and happy than I am now. None of this�paychecks, benefits, vacation time(three weeks), personal days(eight), feels really all that great because it comes from 7 years of not doing what I want. Barb Deibert still thinks the government will give me money to go to school. They will, just not a whole lot and only a semester at a time and only if I go full time. Which would mean a grand struggle. Which might make it seem more worthwhile in the end. I have actually been considering cullinary arts. Mostly because cooking is something I love. I’m not sure I have the talent for it. But I’m not sure I have the talent to make it writing, either, and if I had some degree in cullinary arts that would at least give me a set of real-world skills in a profession I know I wouldn’t hate. Much better than Pharmacy School. Cheaper, too. I know being a pharmacist is within my grasp, and that’s what everyone has been pushing me to do for years. But my heart knows it’s not what it wants. Sure, the pay is disgusting, but how is $60,000/yr worth doing something I’d hate for thirty years and then trying to start over? Best to do so now, methinks.

So I am down. Mostly because things are uncertain. Mostly because I’ve been down about this period of my life for awhile. Somewhat because I’m standing at the end of 6 years worth of short- and long-term relationships and they’ve all ended. It makes me fear that I’ll end up alone.

And I’m probably down becaue Dino told me he found someone. That takes me out of a picture I know I was never in to begin with. So fuck it. Keep the friend. Tell Dino to move to Florida to be with Charlie. Or Charlie should move to New York to be with Dino. That’s probably what I’d do. Love is always worth a fuckin’ shot.

Now I think it’s time for me & the pity part to go to bed. Tomorrow is the trip to see Richard Janaro’s play at GVSU as well as Milt, Gary, and Travis Culley. And maybe the strippers at Rumors or Kirby (the best bartender in Michigan) at Diversions.

It rained all day today. I went to bed unexplicably meloncholy last night and woke up the same.
I watched Presque Rien with Josh tonight. Not really a happy film, but good. Dino said he was going to call but didn’t. It’s ok�he’s in love with a guy named Charlie. I wish someone could be in love with me.

Someone in this house (who shall remain unnamed but whose name starts with a J) took a monster crap last night and plugged the toilet. A plunger was purchased. Said monster poo was sent merrily on its way to the City of Kalmazoo Water Reclamation Plant. This entire incident reminds me of a delightful story by Mr. David Sedaris.

I put up a sign on the door.

I got my copy of The Matrix Reloaded today!

I’m also waiting for 28 Days Later… to come out next week, since I never got to see it in the theatre. Both Josh and Travis Culley talked about it at the Lake Bash & said it was great. Of course, they were probably biased as the main character is a bike messenger.

Yes, I am reading three books at once. It’s amazing what one can accomplish when one doesn’t have cable.

This bothers me:

Josh: I’ve decided I’m going to drop my german major so I can graduate next year and go to Stanford.
Paul: No. You’re not allowed to enter the state of California unless you’re legally allowed to drink.
Josh: No, I want to finish and get my PhD. by 22.
Paul: Why?
Josh: To prove I’m better than everyone else.

Whatever. Get over yourself, then get back to me.

Well! No Media was a success for me. Josh cheated. If anything, I realized how absolutely dependent I am on music. I was waiting for the clock to click over to 00:00 so I could play the song that’s been in my head all day. And I just felt better once there was music again. My life needs a soundtrack. It’s just a given. Now that I again have a portable CD player that functions I bring it everywhere except work. I’d bring it there, too if I could get away with it. Music is just so essential to me. I actually figured out that one of tne of the reasons I was very depressed a few years ago was because I didn’t have a CD player. Strange. Very Moslow.

The $50 question of the week is if Dino will ever call me. Seems he’s tired/busy. Which is ok, because I am, too. I shall be seeing Brad this weekend, so my need for useful conversation will be sated.

Josh and I went walking around the downtownish area of Kzoo last night. We got to see the Windows98 Shutdown Bug through a window at City Hall.
[click image for larger]

Friday Declared “No Media Day”

I’ve declared Friday, October 10, 2003 to be No Media Day. I’m trying to get everyone to do it. In the tradition of “TV Turn-Off Week” and “Buy Nothing Day”, the object is to consume no commercial media whatsoever. This means you don’t watch movies or TV, you don’t read a newspaper, magazine, book, listen to radio, music, or use the Internet. Since most of our visual, audio, and print media all comes from the same huge corporations (Disney, Bertelsmann, Viacom, News Corp, AOLTime Warner, and now NBC Universal) you are in fact turning yourself off of these dollars that are spent to get your dollars as well as your thoughts and feelings. Even when you’re on the internet you’re getting advertised to. Turn it off. Tune it out. Just for one day.

Of course, academic work is excempt. You can still use your textbooks or watch a movie for class or send an email to a friend. Anything old enough to be public domain is ok, too. And it’s ok if you “incidentally” consume media, such as an overheard radio or television. But don’t participate. Don’t give it your attention. Do something else. Strike up a conversation. This doesn’t mean you’re closing yourself off from the world. If you have to know the latest sports scores, ask someone. Ask a stranger, “Hey, could you tell me what’s going on in the world today?”. Then you can tell them about No Media Day, too. The idea is to foster interaction with other people, not our TVs or newspapers or what have you. Go to a live concert to hear some music; go for a walk in the woods with a friend instead of watching “Survivor”.

The Big Idea behind it is… what would happen if everyone in America, just for one day, turned off CNN, didn’t read USA Today, put down their books and turned off their CD players or didn’t log on for just 24 hours? What if we decided not to be advertised to, not to devote our “brain time” to the products and ideas brought to us by huge companies and instead used that time for something else. Maybe it’s only the 20 minutes you watch “Good Morning, America” while you get ready in the morning, or the half-hour TV show you can’t miss each week. Turn it off. Miss that show. What if America found something better to do with its time?

Home, home… where I wanted to go…

I had a thought today: being back at my mom’s house during the fall and sitting on the sofa, watching the squirrels play in the tree outside the big picture window.

The house doesn’t belong to my mother anymore. The tree has been cut down.

Susan Jane Pellerito September 1, 1948 � October 5, 2002

“We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep�it’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out of windows or drown themselves or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us, the vast majority, are slowly devoured by some disease or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more. Heaven only knows why we love it so.”     ï¿½Michael Cunningham, The Hours

The Calling : Camino Palmero : Could It Be Any Harder

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don’t deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what’s true
If I only had one more day

I’d lie down and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I’m needing
And now I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don’t have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what’s true
If I only had one more day

I’d jump at the chance
We’d drink and we’d dance
And I’d listen close to your every word,
As if its your last, I know its your last,
Cause today, oh, you’re gone

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what’s true
If I only had one more day

Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever,baby
and I wish you didn’t go,
I wish you didn’t go
I wish you didn’t go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands
It couldn’t be any harder

I love Coldplay.

Coldplay : A Rush of Blood to the Head : A Rush of Blood to the Head

You said I’m gonna buy this place and burn it down
I’m gonna put it six feet underground
I’m gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I’m gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your hearts desire
Because I’m gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things it did to you in return

You said I’m gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I’m gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

Honey, all the movements you’re starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I’ve made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
Start as you need to go on

Said I’m gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow
Some’ll laugh and some just sit and cry
You just sit down there and you wonder why

So I’m gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
I’m gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head

Honey, all the movements you’re starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I’ve made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
As you need to go on
As you need to go on

So meet me by the bridge
Meet me by the lane
When am I gonna see that pretty face again
Oh meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head

Four days. Four days and it shall have been a year since my Mother passed away. Trying to cope. Not sure how. Going to sleep now.