ad astra!

I am deeply introspective until further notice.
+ Todd Loves me.

“I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets,
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets,
I’ve been raising up my hands drive another nail in,
Got enough guilt to start my own religion….” (Tori Amos)

Crash Into Me
Yeah, strange things happen. Tuesday night online Todd said he missed me. More exactly, he said that “you don’t know how much I’ve missed you”. Which can really be taken almost any way; I saw that to Brad every time I see him and it has nothing to do with a boyfriend/boyfriend or whatever relationship–I just truly miss spending time with him, which is most likely what Todd means, and really what I meant when I said the same thing to him Wednesday night. But Brad does know how much I miss him, and given what was said three days (t-h-r-e-e) before that, it was hard for me to accept what he was saying when he said it to me again in a completely different context with a very different tone of voice I use with other people.

I takes most of what I know about psychology and the gay male mind to understand Todd. He is someone who has loved with all his heart and been taken advantage of in his past relationships. While I haven’t been really monetarily taken advantage of, I have been bruised by other people’s indecision and confusion, hurt by their misdeeds, scarred by their lies. I think Todd needed to know that I was not looking to him for anything but his friendship and love, and I’m really not. I am not looking for a man to come into my life and suddently make everything better; No one can do that but myself. No one can “complete” me– I’m not an unfinished work that’s only missing a piece, I am a whole person who wants to share myself and my life with another complete person. Wanting someone to “fix it” or to take me away from my worries is the exact wrong thing to look for in a person, be it a friend or a lover. I am exactly where I am and going through exactly what I am going through with or without him, and I think he finally understands that, so he is not afraid to try and feel a connection. And that’s what he told me the other night as well, that he did. And I feel the same way. I can know what has happened to him and what is happening to him and why he does a lot of the things he does. I can just sit beside him and be silent, and it’s fine.

Honestly, I know I could live my life without Todd, and if he walked away tomorrow it would hurt and I would feel loss, but it isn’t any sort of devestation that I haven’t felt more intensely for other people and in other situations. I don’t even think it would be “devestating” per se because I haven’t known him for very long. Why I was so sad the other night was because of my mother. I’ve known Todd about a month, my mother my whole life. Todd is just another boy, my mother is… the woman who raised me, sacrificed for me and she means more to me at this point than Todd does. In 24 years, perhaps, someone else could be as or more important. I can’t say I know that about Todd right now, obviously, because you can’t know that after a month. Maybe six, maybe twelve, maybe five years, I am not sure. All I know from seeing my parents and other people is that this thing we call Love is not a cake walk, and to make a commitment on top of it takes a lot of work and dedication, and knowing what one wants out of life. That’s why my parents divorced, because they both wanted things that were too different and separate. The directions life takes one with another person should at least follow the same path, and even if they are not the same thing as long as two people are walking the same road they will end up in the same place.

I feel a connection with Todd, and he invited me to build something significant with him. And it’s nice to feel that want from someone else; I’m sure it’s validating to anyone. One the same note, I know I don’t need anyone to validate myself, I can feel good about myself all by myself. Because I am a very intelligent and caring person, and anyone is damned lucky to have me in their life.

But there is a wonder that goes along with all of this, and it’s the wonder of getting to know one’s self. Whenever I get to know a person more in-depth, I always learn something about myself, be it what I want or how I feel about certain things, or what is at the core of my belief.

Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God…
Todd is a Christian. Normally when I say that, it is with some apprehension and perhaps dissapointment. I have shied away from Religion for so long because of Religion’s absolutisms, especially Christianity’s view that they are the Only true faith. As Jaques Derrida put it, the one answer is the wrong one. I look at the world and see that everything is different, there are no two leaves that are the same, no two stars, no two snowflakes. No two human thoughts are ever identical, so how could there possibly be on true Religion–Religion being the complete construction of mankind. Rather, I see things pluraly, that the Mind of God is compromised of all the universe, so just as there are billions of people on the planet there are at least as many views of God. And it is the same God, the understanding and the names are different as they are based completely in socio-cultural constructions. As a very wise Vedic Hindi said to me once: We are all climbing up the same mountain, just taking different paths. The journey upwards looks different to each of use because we are taking different routes. But at the top the view is the same. While my path is different from his, it really carries the same goal, and what I say that Todd is a Christian it is with a great deal of respect and even admiration, because he believes in something I haven’t ever been able to. It’s the same respect I’ve had for Debbie and Andy and all the rest, and my only request from them is that they respect my views in the same way. I know an awful lot about the doctrines and dogmas within Christianity, and they are just that. They aren’t the words of Jesus, which I most certainly believe in. I can even understand the significance of the sacrifice. Because I often feel like I would do the same. The only thing I would give my life for would be so that the world would understand the importance of Love, that the Greatest is Love. But I know that they never will, so I can understand the zeal of the proseltyzer, but when one’s motives are not simply working towards growing understand but rather “winning souls” to fulfill some twisted quota or belay one’s fears it is not Right Aspiration.

That is where my world functions, within the dictates of the Four Noble Truths, as they were revealed to me (by God, or whatever anyone might choose to call it, that is merely the name I (we) have given it in order to try and understand) through my own experiences. That is how I came to Buddhism, becacuse the ideas were something I was living myself, and I could look at the teachings and understand, and seeing the beauty in its simplicity was, in my mind, like staring right into the eyes of God. Just as with Christianity, Buddhists are called to live their lives in such a manner as to capitalize on the Love and Compassion we are each of us capable of. Jesus said “live this way” and the Buddha said “live this way”. The way is the same; both faiths are merely rafts to get us across to the other side, a finger pointing in the right direction. The important thing is not to mitake the raft for the shore, the finger for the path.

When it comes to my soul, I know that I am forgiven for what I am, so forgiven that I don’t really even have to ask, it is just understood that I know enough to do the best that I can, to cause as little suffering as possible and bring about the most love. Maybe someone died on a cross for me to realize that, or maybe someone just peacefully sat under a tree. The method is not important, it is the realization wherein the key lies. I don’t have to believe, because I already do.

But it really isn’t in my nature to talk about God, it has always been something between me and God, a private contemplation and search for understanding. I have no Religion to speak of, but I certainly have Faith. I have faith that whatever comes tomorrow is what is meant to be, and while I may not be able to see or understand why, perhaps I am not meant to. I don’t know when the world is going to end or whatever or why or how, all I know is what I am here to do. No one can tell me what to believe, no one can tell anyone this; it has to be in someone’s heart, and I know what I feel in my heart.

I’m pretty sure Todd understands this, although I don’t know if he knows how much I really admire him for his ability to believe, because it feels to me like he has something that I can’t ever have. I also hope he knows the joy he has brought to my life, and I hope it continues for a long, long time.

That, tonight, is the truth, and we both value the truth.

Simon is Watching

This is from a post from 9/25/01:

“Simon Davies, the director of the UK-based Privacy International (I’ve seen him on TV, he’s a fat shiny-headed guy who I personaly want to keep my secrets from) has said that an ID card in Britain “would flush out those who aren’t valid members of the British public.” In American terms, and even though we slaughtered the Indians and lynched the Africans, there’s an idea that anyone who comes here has the right to be here, to establish themselves, to prove themselves worthy of becoming American citizens, and as long as you’re trying your best you’re a fucking valid member of the American public.(so go fuck yourself, simon)”

That being said, my current thoughts on an ID card are still apprehensive; I am deeply concerned about anything that has to do with my liberty. I’m also deeply concerned about anything that has to do with my safety. The idea of an ID card is completely valid for the UK, where there are different search and seizure laws, etc. but in this country, it just doesn’t fly. In a perfect world, we would be able to freely pass through borders (in an absolutely perfect world there wouldn’t be any) but we do live in a very flawed imperfect world. I think we need to better establish who we want to be “valid members of the [American] public” before those people even get here, and the government is getting there. We need to continue to be the land of economic and social opportunity, but not one for terror. I am all for rigid screening of people who want to come here, where they are going and what they intend to do, and the government was a little lax in letting 12 maniacs come here and take flight lessons. But once you’re here and you’re a citizen, we have that Constitution which we’ve cannonised and compromised so many times… and an ID card is still unconstitutional. Videocamers on the street corner are another thing. “Nothing to hide, nothing to fear” is yet another. On this anniversary of the events of 11 September we need to remember what Freedom and Liberty are and what they mean to us. I know I would rather be on camera 80% of my day (most of which I already am) if it keeps 12 more maniacs from crashing a plane into a building. So, I retract my statement?Simon need no longer go fuck himself. He raised some very valid points that just scare the pants off me. I still, however, want to keep my secrets from him.

Of course, this post is much out of line from what I’ve been posting. It’s damned refreshing. But it was spured by an email I got so right now I am again being amazed of the Internet:

—–Original Message—–
From: Simon Davies [mailto:**@**]
Sent: Wednesday, 11 September, 2002 4:37 PM
To: pellerip@student.gvsu.edu
Subject:

Paul,

loved your comment about me being a “fat shiny headed guy”. It’s nice
to know there are some people watching these programmes. At least you
engage the world. There aren’t enough of you on this planet

Best wishes

Simon Davies

**************************************

Simon Davies
Director, Privacy International
London UK

Visiting Fellow,
Department of Information Systems,
The London School of Economics