“I just want something I can never have…”
–nine inch nails
Sitting here tonight and feeling just general shittyness. I was on vacation all last week and had intended to update this but I haven’t gotten around to it until now, obviously.
My cousin Angie got married on the 26th of July so I was in Southgate for that, then on Sunday night I went over to Ann Arbor to see Pam (Brad’s mom) and had thought it might be possible to stay there, but her roommate Kathy has a dog who hates men, so I didn’t even mention it for fear of being mauled in my sleep. Since it was late and I didn’t want to come back to Grand Rapids I called my uncle (the step-dad of my cousin who got married) and they let me stay there overnight.
Now, at the reception, since it was a reception and an open bar, I partied. So did my aunt Carole and her family, but the rest of our family was not very festive. Completely square. It was kinda sad, but I had a great time regardless. Pam and I had dinner at the /aut/ Bar in Ann Arbor.
On Monday I woke up and decided I would go to Canada, since I was close and hadn’t been there since I was a kid. I poked around Southgate/Taylor for awhile and got to Windsor around 5pm or so. Then, since I had already planned on paying money for a hotel (that was cancelled because the sofa in my mom & brother’s room was a pullout) I found one and then had dinner. Then I went out to look around for some clubs, and ended up drinking a copius ammount and meeting some minors from Michigan. As it turned out, the two guys were gay and they had come with their fruitfly… to a str8 bar because I guess all the gay clubs in Windsor closed or something. Well, the girl Shannon had found this boy she wanted to fuck or something and didn’t want to go back; she was convinced I would take her home the next day. This was a horrible situation to be in & I was pretty much in favor of her need to go home with her friends… so she did.
I woke up the next morning and decided I would go to Stratford and see what was going on there. So I went to the post office to get a stamp and write some postcards, and used the internet terminal there (neat idea) to check out how far away Stratford is (since I didn’t really even know where it was) then got an Ontario map, ate lunch and wrote out my postcards, then set out for Stratford not sure what to expect.
It’s a 3 hour drive out there, through London which is a big city and then through the rural countryside, one-blinker towns and all that. So I wasn’t sure what Stratford would be like, but the place is about as big as Grandville and has a proportionate ammount of chain crap as you come into it, and then of course their “uptown” area with all the unique shops and stuff. I got to the Festival Theatre and the store there was closed! All I really wanted was some Stratford stuff, since I wasn’t sure what was going on there, but I saw that they have 3 stores, and the other two were open. I got a visitor’s guide, and ended up seeing the second half of an adaptation of Henry VI. It was fantastic. I’m going back later in the fall to see King Lear.
Afterwards, I stayed at my aunt’s and on Wednesday I made my way back to Grand Rapids, and on Thursday drove back to Jackson to hang with Travis for awhile because I had not seen him in ages. Had a blast, as I usually do, even though I just sort of vegged while he and his friends played Magic. Then I had a diabetes luncheon thing in Plainwell that I’d signed up for before I decided to take vacation, so I went to that and Saturday I went up to Milt ‘n Gary’s 5th Annual Little Bass Bash, otherwise known as Lake Bash. They have this gathering every year and it gets bigger and better every year. This year we had awesome fireworks and an informal reuinon of the local band Heart of Gold, with a really great professional keyboardist who just happened to be there and sit in. Oh and I got rather drunk that night, too, as everyone did. LOL.
When the fun and the money ran out, I went back to work. And back here. As soon as I was back on Wednesday I noticed this depression come over me… things are here to remind me of Carson and the fact that we are not together anymore. I think that’s what this whole trip to Canada was, a combination of my deep need to get away for awhile and to avoid coming back to this place. I almost want to move out, but I know I can’t really afford much else. And I’m never going back to live with my mother…
But I’ve been home all night, I watched Magnolia last night with Bob & Brandon just so I had something to do. Drank again. Felt like complete shit until I took a nap and then watched 2 hours of Enterprise since I’m sort of getting into the show. But after that I was up here on the computer just being idle and I shouldn’t have done that, because now I just feel awful and lonely and depressed and frustrated. The thought of Carson with another man is just eating me alive, even though I know it will happen sooner or later. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion but I can’t really help it. There’s this aching deep inside that’s me wanted to be with him, to hold him, to smell him. I can’t get the image of him last wintertime in this yellow-colored sweater, the warmth and comfort of being with him was so wonderful then but it’s breaking my heart over and over again now. I know all of the clich�s, I will find another boyfriend, I’ll be alright, I can live without him, etc. but I can’t stand them anymore. They do not change the fact that I’m hurting so much…
It was our friend Jason’s birthday on Monday, so we both ended up going down to Diversions for a few drinks. I was broke and Ken bought me drinks (because he is a sweetheart) and it was Adam who has brought Carson. Adam is absolutely beautiful and charming and all of that… and he can relate to a lot of things Carson enjoys like cars and home improvement (which was always just “ok” with me and nothing very thrilling) so I’ve just gotten it into my stupid head that somehow they will end up together. That and they look absolutely magnificent together… and I just don’t feel that beautiful. I had Carson for two years and I want him now.
I must remind myself that it won’t happen. I don’t talk to him much because I know he won’t say the words I so desperately want him to say. I want him to fucking move out. I want this big empty feeling in my chest to go away. People are telling me things like “time heals all wounds” and other variations on that theme, and I just can’t really believe that right now. Maybe in another two years. Carson was not everything; he was not the best person for me, I know that–but he was good enough, and I don’t think he even knew how much I loved him, how much I still do. But therein lies the rub, because he doesn’t love me like that anymore. I wonder even if he ever did. Then I think I should have known better, that he is one of those unobtainable guys for me, at least with the way I look right now. That’s another mission I’m starting to embark on, even though I’m not remotely athletic and I’ve never taken much interest in what they call “working out”. Something about people who talk incessantly about the gym and their bodies just grates up against me and I can’t really grasp why, but I know I won’t be one of those people.
But the only way to get one of the beautiful people is to be one. Granted, I want one who is smart as well, which makes this search even more difficult.
This is the time when the Buddha rushes in to tell me that I already am what I want to be. That everything is impermanent, and that the wrong things aren’t supposed to last. I have to be honest with myself and know that the past few months were rocky for our relationship, partly because he was getting ready to dump me and partly because it just wasn’t working anymore. But I still love him deeply, and to hear that the person I’ve felt that way for since those first 8 hours we spent together over two years ago no longer feels the same way is really hurtful.
I have to get beyond all this… somehow…
